V i v i a n  S o n g
Freelance writer
Freelance writer
The naked truth abut sex

Published in the Toronto Sun and Sun Media papers May, 2009.

Part 1 of 3 in a series

Ladies, it's time to man up and talk about our feelings — our sexual feelings that is.

In a Sun Media/Leger Marketing poll, we're bringing salon and spa chatter — the female equivalent of locker-room talk — out into the open, asking women to throw back the 200-thread-count sheets and tell us what sexy time is like in boudoirs across the country.

The questions we asked are unapologetically personal: What's your favourite sexual position? Are you more likely to orgasm with a partner or in a session of solo self-love? What kind of paraphernalia is the preferred sexual stimulus of choice?

According to a slew of sexperts and our polling analysts, what you gals told us — and didn't tell us — speaks volumes about our naked nookie habits.

"While not every woman is comfortable discussing sex, they're sexual creatures who regularly enjoy sex with an emotional partner and are not afraid of asking for what they want," said Leger Marketing pollster Dave Scholz.

As the fairer, softer of the sexes, we've long been eulogized as man's torturous temptress: We are both the source of man's most carnal pleasures, and the bane of his life, our beauty alone capable of launching a thousand ships and driving men into frenzied madness.

And while we've come a long way from merely being "passive receptacles" when it comes to knocking boots, expert Robin Milhausen says female sexuality — especially among the younger generation — continues to revolve around the man's needs.

"Women are now expected to be sexually talented and skilled at oral sex," said the assistant professor of family relations and applied nutrition at the University of Guelph. "They're expected to move in that direction but it's still not about women's pleasure. Women are asked to be sexually outgoing but it's still in the service of men's pleasure."

If the name Milhausen sounds familiar, it may be because you've seen her attractive, strawberry blond figure co-host the the no-holds-barred TV show Sex, Toys & Chocolate.

But she's also a 34-year-old woman who, like many women, juggles multiple roles as a mother, career-woman and wife.

"So many times my ideas and research comes from my own life."

Sun Media's online survey polled 1,003 heterosexual women across Canada, women like Jennifer Belanger, a busy young mom who, between shuttling her son to school, soccer and hockey games, answers work emails for her online marketing company and squeezes in feedings for her nine-week-old son.

Overall, like the 58% of respondents in our survey who said they were satisfied with their sex life, Belanger too said she's happy with life beneath the sheets with the exception of one lacklustre area of many womens' lives — alone time with the man.

"I'd like more time without children barging in on me all the time," she said from Sylvan Lake, Alta. "Sleep is a luxury at the moment."

Over the next four days, we'll share the results of our sex survey and shed light on female sexuality in Canada.

For instance, respondents said they're are less inclined to performing gymnastic feats of contortionism in order to get off — a source of disappointment for some of our male panelists.

Women also admitted to howling at the moon in their best porn-star imitations in order to placate their partner's ego or "just get it over with."

Perhaps then the women can return to the No. 1 bedtime activity, which, surprise surprise, ain't the making of no whoopee.

And finally, one-third of lucky women polled said they've achieved that elusive, some say non-existent G-spot orgasm, perhaps with the help of the most popular sex aid in bedrooms across the country.

Good sex

It all begins, however, in how women define good sex. Is it in the numbers? For instance, 56% of women, said couples with a healthy sex life should be having sex a few times a week, and 20% said once a week. A marginal and randy 2% of respondents, meanwhile, defined a healthy sex life as being at least once a day.

And few respondents measured success in marathon sessions of lovemaking, with 39% saying 15-29 minutes would suffice and 19% opting for 30-44 minutes.

So is there a formula for good sex when it comes to us lady folk?

According to psychologist Marelize Swart of Vancouver, B.C., pleasure is derived from an organ that's not necessarily found in the nether regions.

"The real motor of female sexuality is closeness and connection," she said. "Often I hear from women that even though they're not orgasmic during intercourse, they're still satisfied if there's a closeness and connection."

For Isabelle Hemard, 43, that means enjoying an appetizer course before the main meal.

"I like a man who takes his time with foreplay and puts you in the right mood," said the single, divorced Toronto woman.

Women and men are like elevators, explains Sue McGarvie, an Ottawa-based sex therapist and radio personality whose most recent book is entitled Lean and Lusty: The Libido Diet.

"Men think about sex every six minutes," she said.

That makes men the type of elevator found in skyscrapers — quick to get up.

Women, however, are like freight elevators.

"They're slow to get aroused."

McGarvie's assessment coincides with results of the our survey, which found that 30% of women preferred their lovemaking to be "slow and sensual," compared to 4% that liked it rough. That number rises in B.C. and Alberta, where 43% of respondents like it more Marvin Gaye than Metallica.

Belanger, too, favours romps that are relaxed and spontaneous, she said.

"I like when he initiates and it's out of nowhere, not rushed. When he makes me feel pretty and special at that moment."

It's a concept often lost on men, Milhausen said, as they define great sex as a certain position or technique.

"Men will often ask me, 'what move can I do to make sex astronomical for her?' I say take out the garbage."

For women, often great sex depends on context, Milhausen explains.

"It depends on everything that happened prior to, during and after sex. It's about how connected the woman feels to the partner, how they feel about their own body that day, their mood and their self-esteem."

Website Builder